TW: blood, bodily functions and grief

It is not accurate to say that this is my WORST nightmare,

But it is pretty high up there on my “worst nightmare” list.

It never felt like a celebration of love though it was a collaboration with someone I love

It felt wrong from the beginning.

Had felt wrong for a while without a known reason.

Like my body had been hijacked

Like it wasn’t my own.

This was never a question.

It was never a question

to drive 4.5 hours to another state.

3:30 pm: pill 1 at clinic

Target for maxi-pads that are the size of a canoe and don’t stick to my underwear like I wish they would.

They stick to my body instead.

9:00 pm: ibuprofen and nausea medication at hotel

9:30pm: pill 2

10:30pm: started bleeding

11:00: melatonin to sleep

1:11: wake up to cramping

Walk to bathroom

Take shower.

Lay on the floor of the shower

Hot water on abdomen for relief

Sit on the toilet and pass a large, lemon sized blood clot.

Wait an hour.

I think.

The pain is so unbearable that I can’t move from the bathtub with the shower running hot

then cold

hot

cold

over my body.

Call for mom to bring water.

water

please

can’t talk through the pain

wish I had asked sooner

she was wearing earplugs

and her sleep apnea mask like I always ask her too because I don’t want her to die in her sleep

mom

please

water

please

mom

still can’t believe she finally hears

words barely come through the pain

contractions? cramping? contractions?

ask for anti nausea medication

please

words barely come out

for her to understand that it had fallen off my nightstand onto the floor.

Tastes like bad watermelon candy chalk that dissolves on your tongue.

Vomit anyways.

Thank goodness.

Release

Cramping in waves/contractions.

Vomiting helps; relief

Prayers for relief/release

please, relief, please

beg

All I can say is

“love”

Prayer of gratitude for Chelsea; who is a saint is, is a saint, is a saint.

cramping is worse

is worse

Endless asking for relief.

Begging for relief.

Feeling love.

I only ever felt love.

Like waves.

Prayers of gratitude through the pain.

Prayers for all the women who sacrificed for this.

Prayers for all the bodies who sacrificed for this.

Prayers for black women, Indigenous women, all women of color considered subhuman and underwent

unspeakable horrors so modern gynecology could exist.

So freedom like this can take place.

So we must speak about the unspeakable.

Listen. Speak. Act.

Prayers for their spirits.

Prayers for their horrors.

Prayers for their ancestors.

Prayers for the indigenous bodies and all bodies of color who were and are forced into sterilization.

Prayers for bodies in ICE camps forced into sterilization.

please and thank you to my mom so I would at least be remembered for trying to be kind

thank you to my mom because I am truly grateful

fuck that woman to Amy Coney Barrett

on repeat

fuck that woman

and fuck your 40 Days of Life

because

I am surrounded by love

On hands and knees,

Can’t move and can already see the bruises on them

Though I’ve left my glasses somewhere and the light is off and the room is dark because the light is too much.

Thinking they are by the tub but my mom has moved them

Can’t stop shitting myself in the bathtub;

Vomiting, belching

Clear

Blood

Water runs over my body if I can manage.

Sometimes it hurts too much

baptism

love

Slight relief comes in saying love out loud

Love to these cells that make up this tissue in my body

Leaving my body

That could grow into “who”

Who agreed that now wasn’t the time

Whose spirit showed up to me and held me and loved me

And I was surrounded by love

Held me in love

and told me there was no need to ask for forgiveness because now wasn’t the time

There was nothing to forgive

Wet towels for pillows

Everything runs hot and cold and hurts my skin

Crawl to the toilet

Shit to bleed in the toilet

Vomit in the trash can and on the floor

blood on the towels

bleed. vomit. shit.

I kiss my knees and say

I love you.

I love you

I have never loved myself so tenderly in all my life

I have never felt love like this before in my life

I am alive. This is my life.

MY life.

I am loved

I am love

And I pray the only prayer I can think of, over and over.

God, Grant me the serenity

That’s all I ask for

serenity

relief

please

To accept the things I cannot change

I can change because I have the power in this body

my body

The courage

this is courage

To change the things I can

I can.

I am.

And the wisdom to know the difference

And I say it over and over and over.

Sometimes I can make it through the prayer

Most often I can’t only make it to

serenity

So, I crawl back to the bathtub,

Run the shower

Which I can’t reach the knob with my hands to turn.

If I tap my toe just the right amount I can turn the water where it needs to be

Hard to move through this pain

But to try to talk to ask for help would be harder

No comfortable temperature.

The stopper keeps stopping so the tub fills up with bloody water.

I ask for bath salts and I rub them all over my chest

scrub as hard as I can

at some point, mom has called the front desk for new towels

they’ve brought them

up in a plastic bag

because COVID,

which she lays by the door

thank you

this is pain

prayers for relief

please

begging

please

I have only felt love here

I have only felt love

crawl to the toilet again

the vomit is a relief

shit is relief

blood is relief

I have not cried

Wrap a dry towel around my shoulders

my skin hurts to be touched

All temperature is pain

you give me fever

the nubbiness of an old hotel towel is the most comfort aside from the vomit

and water in the metal water bottle that keeps clanging against the floor

water

which I vomit up

bent over my knees to kiss them again.

refill the bathtub with clean water

more salts

towel pillows on either side

And I’m so fucking tired

I’ve BEEN so fucking tired

don’t know where in the bleeding that the pregnancy has passed and I am myself again

but maybe it was in that lemon sized blood clot

there was more than one

I’m laying in the bathtub

I partially fall asleep

multiple times

My mom checks on me

I’m fine, mom. You can go to sleep

No. I will stay up

Fall asleep, collapsed in the tub again

I wake up and ask for my pajamas

She’s laid them on the bed

And I can’t make it that far yet

There is still blood everywhere and I have to put another canoe in my underwear.

She brings them to the door of the bathroom

Lays them on the plastic bag with towels

Stand up

Wash off

Dry off

Canoe in my underwear

Pajamas

Clean the bathroom as best I can

Flush the toilet

Wash the blood clots out of the bathtub

one that I see, I worry it’s the fetus

because maybe I touched it

and maybe it felt crunchy but maybe it wasn’t and we’re all just made of the same starstuff

we're all just made of the same starstuff

everything down the drain

leave the bathroom

And I look at myself in the

mirror

And my eyes are clearer than they’ve been in a long time

and I see myself

I’m not pretty but I love who I see.

Beyond any love I thought possible.

walk to bed

water

I look at her

Fuck Amy Coney Barrett

She nods

Then, I cry

fuck her

She nods

fuck them

She nods

Pause

I have never loved myself more in my entire life

She nods

Lay down. Maybe put your eye mask on

Lay down, covers on

She lays her sweater over my legs

I wish I had my weighted blanket. This helps.

She lays her beaded bag from Gina in my arms,

Rose quartz heart in my hand and lays next to me.

4:45am

All I can think about is performing vasectomies on every man that I’ve ever encountered.

love is what I’ve spoken the most

when I was begging and praying for relief

whenever I spoke love

there was relief

no matter how small

there was relief

I love you

kiss one knee

kiss another

I love you.

I love you mom.

I love you too.

The night before, laying in bed next to her at home

I thought

What a gift.

To lay next to her. To hold her. To have her hold me.

And there is this entity that exists here also. This creation in my body. As I was once in hers.

And we are all together. The three of us. Just for this moment.

And all I feel is love.

Donate to Chelsea’s Fund:

Chelsea’s Fund is a 501(c)(3) non-profit organization established to ensure Wyoming people can make and implement the critical personal decision whether to terminate a pregnancy.

justthepill.com is now providing telehealth appointments and shipping abortion pills to residents of Wyoming.

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